Awhile back I met some people from online.... And have continually talked and gotten to know them better... And soon I will be moving down to there area.... I'm leaving everything behind and starting new and its a bit scary to do that to not know what lays ahead or if it will work... I hope it all works out...

I have to sacrifice a few things to do it though... I have to sacrifice Australia... If I'm not attending school here, I cant study abroad here... And the girls I was going to live with... But there will be a lot for me there, it will be a better place a better fit, I haven't fit well here... There's a song called I'm moving on... And I i think its by rascal flattts, but it says in it "I never dreamed id end up where I don't belong..." And that's how I feel.... Like I don't belong here, not because its too hard, or bad, but because its not, me it doesn;t represent my personality... And I want to be able to express myself... So I'm moving on....

im still alive and ok... but different now, alot of changes have been going on, many for the better some for the worse, but all changes all the same... i may pick up on writting in here again...

Finally the weekend is over and with that I have a bit of calmness... Did some home work cried a river... Talked on the phone and hid I'm my room to avoid all traces of human life, and well, I would say my sanity is the better for it...

plans for this week:
~ read 367 pages... blah
~ get my test results back from the doc... *prays its nothing bad* (Tuesday)
~ work on may eap application
~ see where things stand with me and M right now, I don't know... But I'm ok with that
~ take a midterm on Friday and study it before... What it on? Vaginas and penises... And all the stuff that makes them work... I'll throw some fun facts out and today we will have a penis fun fact... If you were to chop the penis in half (don't try this ever) the muscles and ligaments look like a seashell...

weird fact: I saw a video of what a woman's vagina looks like on the inside while she's having an orgasm... And I was very disturbed, and was surprised to find myself wanting to leave... But then I guess it is a little weird to sit in a lecture hall with 800 of your fellow students watching the lady on the screen masturbate, while your teacher uses there laser pointer to point out all the changes in a huge vagina... Anyways I found the inside of the vagina to look... kinda gross... It was kinda lumpy and the uterus moves a lot I mean a lot, were talking inches when the muscles contract... While I still like vagina's, I liked them more before I knew what they looked like on the inside... Something are dark for a reason... (this film was done by spreading her open while with the gyno cirle things, and sticking a little camera... I mean I really saw inside... *shudders*

do you ever feel like you made the wrong decision, and then have to keep making wrong ones just to stay on top of everything?

I hurt inside deep deep inside, I fell to far to fast and it all came crashing down ontop of me...

I want to cut... I want to feel the pain and see the blood, the physical pain would take my mind off the emotional...

the emotions... To many fucking emotions...

I'm sick... Mentally and physcally... irony of it all is I paid to see the blood today... 21 dollars and they took three bottles full for tests... There going to figure out what's the matter they say... I wanted to tell them I'm too little they took to much of my blood away I felt weak and dizzy... Probably because its that wonderful time of the month... So much blood gone...

cant let more out... Cant find the blade... Its been to long since the last time... I hide it away and the good times came and I forgot where it is...

I figured out whereto cut... On my fleshy inner thigh, no one would see it... No one would know... It would be my little secret with me...

it would scab and heal... And for awhile I could pretend I healed with it... it would be a lie, but I could pretend, I could believe.... For awhile, a short escape is better than none at all.

(I'm not going to do anything stupid... Life is to fragile for mistakes like these... I don't want to talk about it tomorrow or the next day but right now I needed to release some dark feelings, this is my space, if you don't like it please go...)

I'm pulling away from her, I feel to open around her to vulnerable... Everyone says its normal just to shake the nerves off and it'll be ok... But I cant seem to do that the little evil voices just keep whispering unfortunate things in my ears...She wants to move forward and I'm frozen in fear... I've told her some of my fears to which she's just smiled and said that everything will be fine, but in my mind that is such a non-answer, how is it going to be fine why is it going to be fine, what works what doesn't that's what would calm me... But she doesn't know... And I don't know... I'm pushing her away and its breaking my heart to watch her go... I haven't felt this way in along time...

I think we both want each other... Want each other a lot, But the little nagging voice fills me with fear and I wont act on it... And so I've told her she is free to leave and see other people, as I recently found out she hasn't been since the monthes ago when this all began... I said this has all been wonderful but that with my doomsday attitude it wont last, and to that I was told to change my attitude, and well its not that simple its not a conscious thing I do..., and I really think she understands that... But there's an underlying thing that I feel isn't being said and its that I wont even try... And that hurts and makes me cry and want to throw up and cut and hurt.... Because I know its true... I wont even try....

Ok actually I've met 3 someone's...

and I did new and exciting things with these 3 someone's in bed at night, in one night...

I went from one bed with one, well call her M, and then visited J, and T's massive incredibly comfortable bed latter, and went back to sleep with M...

3 people, and well wow was it fun.... And exciting and wonderful, and I found something in these people that I've been looking for and I trust them and they trust me, and it is a good thing... Says my heart...

thing is may head is not in agreement with my heart... My head says they live far away... My head says your very inexperienced... My head says you need to end this before you get hurt...

my heart says its too late to not be hurt...

my head and my heart are battling it out viscously... And I'm left feeling torn inside...

what to do what to do.... Do I go back this weekend? I was invited for M's birthday... I think her birthday maybe I bit to special for me to be there for, but she says she really really wants me too. And well my heart wants to.... My head wants to say no... But I know if I don't go ill hurt... I don't want to lose what I've searched for... But I'm not sure if I'm ready to have it... Or if ill ever be ready... But I don't want to lose them... There incredible people,

I wish my head and heart would be friends again....